An AuDHD-Friendly Guide to Identifying Toxic Traits

Being autistic, I think literally about ideas, concepts, and statements. Sometimes, this makes it hard to understand people and what they expect of me. Having ADHD, I am often impulsive and have the urge to think negatively about my own opinions because of what people say (could be rejection-sensitivity dysphoria).

Examples of literal thinking:

1. “Hey, can you wash the dishes?” I initially thought this meant just washing the plates and maybe the bowls and cups. Left the other “dishes” in the sink, like silverware or containers. Or, I would simply only wash the dishes I contributed to the pile. 

2. “I love this dress. What do you think?” I know from experience that saying what I really think is not favorable, so I simply say, “Ah, yeah, it could totally work.” Or I literally just say, “I don’t like it.”

3. “This was not right. Why did you do that?” I replied with an actual retelling of why I did what I did, not knowing that they only wanted to scold me and that my response was viewed as an excuse.

4. “Just be quiet.” Okay, I’m a mute for the remainder of the day to you. 

5. “How was your weekend?” Before I started masking, I used to simply retell my weekend in full detail. Now, I know I’m just supposed to say, “Great, how was yours?”

6. “Giving makes you a better person; it’s wrong to be selfish.” Okay, so I will give everything I have and leave myself nothing because that’s how I know I’m a good person. 

Don’t even get me started on phrases like “Be yourself,” “You only live once,” “How did this start?” or “Tell me everything.” Those are just plain tricks. 

Literal thinking has made me more susceptible to tolerating toxic behavior. When someone says they care about or respect me, and their actions don’t show it, my first reaction is to blame myself for making it too hard for them to keep their word. My first thought is, “What did I do wrong, and how can I fix it?” My second impulse is to empathize. I can literally FEEL the emotions of another person. I mean, if they are crying, I start crying. If they are in pain, I feel the pain. So, in addition to blaming myself for the person’s inability to keep their word, I also empathize with them. But where do I draw the line in an era where everybody is saying “Just leave,” “Just cut them off,” and “They are a narcissist," regardless of whether or not they are toxic or simply need to learn better communication skills?

Here are some strategies I’ve learned:

Words Must Align with Actions

If someone says they care about you or respect you, they should consistently show it. If they are constantly blaming, shaming, or insulting you, or trying to control your self-expression, know that no behavior of yours warrants this kind of response. It is not okay to be constantly picked on by anyone. No matter how they frame it, including the famous “I do this because I care,” true caring provides safety and gives you space to make your own decisions. If you find someone is constantly making promises to stop behavior or change, but they only do the bare minimum and expect your relationship to be fully restored in seconds, that person is not really changing for your benefit. 

The DARVO Weapon

Spot manipulation by identifying DARVO (Deny, Attack, & Reverse Victim and Offender). Here’s an example of a DARVO conversation. 

Person 1: “Hey, I feel like we are not spending enough time together. I’d love to know your hours so I can schedule space to hang out, and maybe you could do the same?”

Person 2: “Of course we spend time together. We just went shopping together last week, and last month we watched a movie. Ugh.”

Person 1: “I know we did those things, but I feel like it could be more consistent and more frequent. I would love more time with you.”

Person 2: “Argh, why does everything always have to be about you? You frame everything I do as wrong, even when I’m doing better. You’re just being toxic and selfish, and I can’t deal with you right now.” 

This simple example conversation is a template for understanding DARVO, where a manipulative person will flip what could have been a productive and kind conversation about feelings into an attack on you and your character. Without the proper ways to identify this as manipulation, you may find yourself believing what they say. This is why emotional and psychological abuse is so dangerous: it destroys and harms you from within, slowly chipping away at your self-esteem, confidence, and independence. 

Is Your Battery Always Low?

This is for all the neurodivergent individuals who are stuck in fight or flight mode. It is not normal to feel like you’re walking on eggshells (or around a bomb that could explode at any time). Period. If someone is constantly bringing bad vibes around your space, taking your peace hostage, and draining your battery to the point where you’re always exhausted after interacting with them, they are more than likely toxic. 

Conclusion 

Of course, this isn’t an expansive list, and I'm still learning, but it’s a good start to identifying toxic people early on before the damage is done. In the past year, I have had to go no-contact or minimal contact with individuals who said they cared about me but crossed my boundaries and never took responsibility for their mistakes.

Judaism is all about love and kindness, but it also teaches that you are not required to do anything that puts your well-being in danger. Judaism is also very strict about lashon hara and ona'at devarim, types of harmful speech that are seen as equivalent to murder. Someone who participates in these types of harmful speech is considered a "murderer" of three: the one who hears, the one who speaks, and the one to whom it was directed. Protecting yourself from toxic people without becoming toxic is a key theme in Judaism. You have a right to remove toxicity from your life without feeling obligated to tolerate it in the name of love.

Of course, I recognize that what's less discussed in all of this is that because autism is a disability, it’s a privilege to have the resources to have minimal or no contact with a toxic person, especially if it’s a relative who provides care and financial stability. You can start by identifying the warning signs of toxic behavior, learning how to define your boundaries, and developing support systems that will help you thrive outside of toxic environments. The biggest way to combat toxicity is with knowledge and internal happiness.