Redefining Strength

Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

In these troubled times, we can find hope in the strength we hold within. A personal reflection.

If you’ve been keeping up with the news, the world is once again in disarray. Regardless of your opinions on the tragedies that have been unfolding in the past few months, we can all agree that they have affected us in some way.

It is all so complicated to watch and so stressful to keep up with. Some days, I go hours, if not an entire day, without looking at my phone or the news to avoid the latest developments. I know I can’t run away forever, but sometimes, it’s tempting to try to drown out the world’s problems and focus on my own.

Some people will never understand how hardship impacts me as a chronically-ill, neurodivergent, and disabled individual. My reactions and feelings are seen as extreme choices, not legitimate responses. Many would rather individuals such as myself just stay quiet, handle the cards we were dealt, and stop being so “political.”

It’s important to remember that not all hardship looks the same for every person. Not all struggles are noticeable or seem important. Hardship comes in many forms.

Just a bit ago, I was in the ER for dysautonomia complications induced by stress and vitamin deficiencies. That experience was hard and scary for me. If it were not for my faith and immersing myself in tehillim, I would have been scared out of my wits. The recovery process has been long and hard, and I’m still not able to do what I once could. The grief of losing mobility the way it once was is hard to bear. That’s my hardship. It’s not less or more important than anyone else’s.

God’s Tests

In many religions, especially the Abrahamic ones, there is a common concept of God testing us with hardship so that He can see if we are strong enough to be blessed with good. People conflate this idea with the notion that if you cannot withstand what life (or God) throws at you, you are not strong enough or living up to your true purpose. That everything in life has a fix, solution, or outcome if you try hard enough.

The truth is, hardship is a natural part of life, but whether or not God orchestrates it is still up in the air for me.

We are not always taught the difference between hardship and harm, and we tend to blame God for all of it, labeling those who can’t “endure” life’s challenges as “weak” or “faithless.” This is harmful, especially for disabled individuals.

We often equate harm with hardship. We tend to put up with being in bad relationships or situations, or make excuses for bad circumstances, all because we feel it’s our way of showing strength amid hardship. However, those things are not hardships; they are harm. Harm impacts our health mentally, physically, and spiritually, and can erode our self-esteem and overall well-being. Harm places us in uncomfortable situations repeatedly. While hardships challenge us to think, grow, and adapt to become better versions of ourselves. For example, being in a toxic relationship is not a hardship. It’s harm. It’s not simply God testing our resolve.

Big or small, harm is harm, and it’s about time we acknowledge that we cannot simply use religion to avoid talking about it.

Harm vs Hardship

People will often say things like, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” but I don’t find that statement true or a direct embodiment of God’s love. It’s as if God is purposefully pushing us past our limits in order to help us “learn on the job” how strong we really are.

Beliefs like this encourage ableism, because obviously, if we are tired, in pain, or unable to do something that society deems “normal,” then we just aren’t leaning into our strengths, trusting God enough, or “trying hard enough.”

My childhood was riddled with these struggles, and I often gaslit myself into believing that doing my best meant being the best at everything. It seemed like I was personally letting God down if I allowed my limitations to best me. That led to self-blame and extremely low self-esteem. I was not confident in myself or my worth, because performance was my way of showing my value to God and others.

Often, the people who make these comments about God giving us hardship, or harm being used to better us, are unfamiliar with the fact that many chronically ill, disabled, and/or neurodivergent individuals are being pushed out of our comfort zones every day. Crossing the street, shopping, or even paying a bill can be challenging and stressful for many, and it’s unfair to then say, “you’re not trying hard enough,” simply because we cannot perform at the level society expects.

Honestly, I’ve come to the conclusion that no matter who or what might be making hardships appear, I do not believe they are intentionally designed to make us suffer to build strength in the name of courage and perseverance. How much we do or take on is not a signifier of strength. True strength is choosing to do our best in the face of any kind of adversity, small or large.

Deconstructing Strength

I’ve had to deconstruct the concept of strength. Instead of using it to highlight the weaknesses and flaws of myself and others, I’ve started using it to recognize how strength shows up differently in different people.

Every person has strength, and how it is expressed varies by individual. I don’t think it is possible to find even two people who are both strong in the same ways at the same time in the same circumstances.

Strength is not determined by how well you push through hardship or how long you endure harm; strength is about knowing your limitations, recognizing what is and isn’t good for your health and wellbeing, and even when to let go altogether. That type of strength is what builds resilience. That is what builds emunah, faith.

We have used the concept of strength for far too long to enforce a productivity culture that shames rest, encourages burnout, and isolates those who choose to set boundaries or acknowledge their limitations. True strength has nothing to do with whether I can ever “function” without headphones while shopping, walk without a mobility aid, or calmly get a vaccine without having a meltdown. I am strong because I choose to be better and do better every day. I am strong because I choose to treat others with respect and acknowledge when I’m wrong. I am strong because I recognize I’m too valuable to waste my endurance and resilience on people or situations that drain my energy and steal my joy.

Job and Resilience

I’ve heard lots of people use the story of Job to show how strength plays into faith and endurance for God. But most only reference the first few chapters in which Job, a pious man, refuses to curse God’s name, even after being set up by forces of evil and pelted with problem after problem. Eventually, we tend to skip to the end where he is rewarded for enduring the hardship without failing God.

We often forget that the middle chapters show different sides of the struggle.

His friends accuse him of sinning or offending God. His wife tells him that he should curse God’s name and die. Job himself curses the day he was born, falls into a deep depression, and questions God for his sorrow (essentially calling him to task on the injustice of the situation).

Looks like Job isn’t the epitome of strength and courage in the midst of calamity after all? Or is it better with this context?

Rereading Job through a deconstructed lens (acknowledging, for one, that many see Job as a legend more than a literal story), I see a person whose strength was challenged, not by God, but by his own inner critic and the influence of his friends. I see a person who was far from flawless, but showed us that God is patient with us amid hardship, even when we struggle, question, or don’t always make the best decisions. Strength isn’t always linear, seamless, or unfailing.

We learn that being upset or saddened by hardship is human. No one is exempt, even the most religiously pious and connected to God. It seems God encourages us to process our feelings and acknowledge our limitations. It’s what brings us closer to Him. That is still strength.

Conclusion

It’s easy to blame God for hardships and harm, and allow others to tell us that we are just “not trying hard enough.” But true strength is acknowledging that we may not be parting the Red Sea or fighting 9-foot giants, flawlessly handling loud noises or remembering the laundry, but we are present in the moments that matter, and that is strength.

So don’t slight yourself if, like me, you can’t always look at the news or handle the stress of life. Don’t call yourself weak for leaving toxic relationships or going no-contact with folks who you care about for your own wellbeing. Don’t feel bad when others tell you that you just need to focus more on God, and your problems will disappear. You are whole, you are strong, and every moment you’re alive, you are adding something to this world by just being yourself.

So, repeat after me. I am already strong.