I Attended My First Conference, Autism Unmasked. Here's What I Learned.

This week, I went to an international conference on school choice and education reform in Ft. Lauderdale, Florida as a speaker on a panel about education savings accounts (ESAs) and how the implementation of good policies can only work when all stakeholders are included and consulted in the process. Education policy is super fascinating, and I love talking about it. Geeky stuff, I know. But I truly love it and it's a special interest of mine. Uniquely, however, almost no one in my professional circle currently knows that I'm autistic, so everyone simply assumes I'm pretty passionate about the movement for education reform and happen to be well-versed in the topic. It's way deeper than that. I eat, drink, sleep, and breathe my special interests, and inhale/absorb everything I can about them nearly 24/7. If I love something, it's not simply because I'm fascinated with it, it's because I spent hours upon hours performing an in-depth study, journaling, and brainstorming on the topic during which times I probably forgot that anything else existed.

As long as I build my network and make good points, no one seems to notice the small quirks about me, like not being able to make sustained eye contact or that in almost every panel, I'm looking down at the ground to focus and can't stand bright lights. As an autistic person in the professional world, I'm constantly having to navigate the confusing world of unspoken social conventions and professional standards while learning about myself and my own expectations for the future. It's hard, but this trip proved that my new, neuro-affirming unmasking strategies are working. By unmasking, I mean openly being my full, autistic self instead of trying to exist within the confines of allistic expectations.

As you know from previous blog entries I've written, I am staunchly opposed to using unmasking to promote a culture of embracing dysregulation, harming oneself or others, and not practicing self-control when it is possible to do better. I believe in values-based unmasking rooted in the Torah's principles of love and respect for yourself and others, where a person decides what values will guide how they want to authentically exist in the world and work towards that goal. I decided my values would be respect, honesty, transparency, and kindness.

In the past nearly eight years since I've been in the field of education, I've been to dozens of education-related conferences to speak and learn, but this year was different. It was the first conference I went to where I was completely unmasked using values-based unmasking strategies. What did this look like? Not much different on the outside from the masked expression of myself. What? Yes. But how I felt this time around made all the difference. Here are the ways I safely, professionally, and healthily unmasked during this trip.

Honesty: I Tailored the Trip to Meet My Needs

I decided to be honest with myself and others, asking for help and accommodations when needed and not being afraid of being labeled or judged. Since it was only two nights, I packed light and only brought a backpack to ensure I didn't have to navigate baggage claim or lift heavy luggage (being easily overstimulated and hypermobile, these are not always easy tasks). I wore headphones for most of the flight, including layover times at the airport. I stimmed quietly in the airplane, tapping away to the rhythm of my music playing through my headphones. I mapped out the airports in advance so I would know which places I could refuel (get food) at. I carried safe foods with me in my bag for when eating out wasn't an option or I needed a boost. I brought my mom as my travel companion, chose an airline (Southwest) that had wonderful accommodations (like preboarding) for autistic travelers, and picked a hotel that was inexpensive, spacious, and easily walkable to get to the conference location in less than five minutes. These self-created accommodations made travel easy and less stressful, so when I got to the conference, I was well-rested and not overstimulated.

Exploring the streets of Ft. Lauderdale near the ocean was awesome!

Kindness: Acknowledging Anxiety Instead of Fighting It

In unmasking, I've ensured I prioritize my values, especially kindness. I used this trip to practice kindness with myself, acknowledging my unique needs and even my fears and thinking critically about how to best process and handle them. It worked wonderfully.

At the conference, as with any time I spoke publicly, I was very self-conscious about how I looked and communicated. I felt an anxiety attack coming right before I was to present on a panel in front of a number of policy professionals and academics twice my age, so I left the space, went into the bathroom, and did a check-in with my body. I noticed I was feeling knots in my stomach, I felt hot in my neck and hands, my body was stiff, and my heart was beating faster than normal. I affirmed that it was okay to feel these feelings. Then, I told my body the following:

1. "I am good at what I do, you don't need to worry. I'm good at public speaking, and I can do this."

2. "Thank you for letting me know I'm nervous. I acknowledge I am feeling nervous. You don't need to cause me pain because I'm nervous."

3. "You are safe. No matter what happens or if I mess up, I will learn, grow, and have success to document for the future."

This is a complete 180 from previous conferences where I masked and wouldn't allow myself to process or acknowledge the feelings my body was going through and would blame myself for just being too shy or sensitive. I'd force myself to perform when I wasn't ready, and I'd feel the repercussions later.

I also decided to leave the conference quickly after my panel ended instead of staying until the end, as I could not tolerate any more stimulation in that space. I gave myself the grace to acknowledge that I couldn't stay and didn't beat myself up for not being able to push through the remainder of the conference like a trooper. I was not obligated to go to any more sessions, and doing so would have been purely for pleasing those around me. Since a big part of unmasking is prioritizing my health over the opinions of others, I decided it was best to leave and let folks ask questions rather than stay and be overstimulated where it could possibly get to a point where my body reacted and I couldn't control the severity of the response (i.e. meltdown or shutdown). That would not benefit me or anyone else.

Transparency: Openly Stimming

I've learned that stimming is essential. I stimmed on the plane, at the airport, and in between, but how do you stim when you're at a conference? I forgot my own fidget toy (I prefer the word fidget tool), so my mom gave me one of hers (it sure looked like a fidget tool anyway, though it might have been a keychain 🤣). I used it openly yet discreetly throughout the entirety of the panel. I knew that using it would help me focus and avoid picking at myself or my clothes instead. I was always self-conscious about using fidget tools like spinners and stretch bands because I thought people would judge and label me and that it wasn't appropriate for certain settings, like presentations. Not true! I can't think of a better place to have focus while stimming safely and discreetly. This was the first presentation I did where I was openly stimming. It felt good and calmed me as I spoke in front of all of those people. My heart rate steadied and my words came out coherent and well-placed.

Respect: Not Being Paranoid About My Appearance

It's easy to get anxious about how you look when you are 22 and your mom still accompanies you places, or when you need extra help with directions, or when you look away from the crowd and your photos come out less than ideal, or when you dress comfortably instead of the way you've assumed was professional as a way to be taken seriously and to look polished. I know these were my main concerns, and they made me extremely self-critical and self-conscious during conferences in the past. How was I this awesome requested speaker and acclaimed budding expert in my sector, but needed my mom and asked far too many questions before even arriving?

Post-diagnosis and on my unmasking journey, I realized that these beliefs were internalized ableism. These were unspoken rules I assumed everyone was judging me on when in reality, it wasn't that serious. There are no set enforcers enforcing unspoken social expectations, so why bother trying to enforce them myself when they are causing me discomfort and harm? Instead, I ask myself, how do I respect the requirements of the spaces I'm invited into while ensuring I respect my body's needs and my own values?

This time, I decided to bring my mom proudly on the trip and show her around Florida, with no guilt. I decided to dress in what felt most comfortable to me, so instead of modest suits and such, I wore a modest athletic skirt and leggings with a nice top and coordinating necklace. Nobody batted an eye. And yes, my photo still came out with me looking at the ground, but that's okay! I still said what I needed to say and people enjoyed the panel. I need to do what makes me comfortable so I can stay healthy and avoid ever being burned out again as I recover from autistic burnout.

Conclusion

I learned so much from this experience, and I hope to continue growing and developing new strategies for values-based unmasking. Upon making it home, I felt less tired, overwhelmed, and sore than ever before (hypermobility can make walking and bending over constantly a challenge, and stress makes it even harder). Even with layovers and late-night flights! I know that unmasking and putting my needs ahead of assumed expectations and unspoken social rules helped me better equip my brain and body with the tools it needed to process and manage anxiety, stress, and overstimulation in a manner that helped me still maintain professionality and composure while meeting my needs.

Oh, and Ft. Lauderdale was absolutely stunning! I had never been to Florida before, but between the warmth and the ocean view, I am considering adding this to my list of potential cities to move to as I prepare to live semi-independent in the near future. Who knows!

I can't wait to share where I go next!