Post-(re)Diagnosis, Here's What I've Learned in 2024...

After being (re)diagnosed with autism recently (I'm AuDHD, meaning autistic + ADHD ), I have learned so much about neurodivergence, autism, and trauma. It's one thing to know and acknowledge that you're different and a little weird, it's another thing to realize that you've tried to be someone you're not your whole life and that you have to unlearn it all. I've struggled with self-esteem problems, anxiety, and so much more for a long time, all because I thought I was the problem for needing to work twice as hard on things that seemed 'simple' to the rest of the world.

I grew up during a time when terms like Asperger's Syndrome and 'high-functioning' autism were still seen as good to use. These terms were thrown around my way as a child by doctors. This was the era when all parents would get to support their kid was a book/pamphlets on the "condition" and a few behavioral therapy sessions. An era when being neurodivergent was considered a negative thing, and most of the "treatments" were focused on making you appear as "normal" as possible.

So, like many families of that era, my family chose not to use the labels as I was growing up. Because I was considered "high functioning," doctors didn't believe I needed a lot of specialized support, so, whatever we did know at the time about my childhood diagnosis, it was never really discussed. As a result, I grew up not understanding what neurodivergence was and I had practically no idea I was autistic. It just never really came up.

Then came adulthood when I decided to find out for myself why I was so different and struggled with so many things others called "simple," first with self-diagnosis and then an official diagnosis. It took countless therapy and psychology visits and several misdiagnoses and assumptions (if I could have gotten paid for all the times I heard "It's just anxiety," I'd be rich) before I got answers. But the validation I felt when I finally got the paperwork on my diagnosis was unlike anything I'd experienced before. Now it all made sense.

This is one of the reasons why I identify more with the late-diagnosed autistic experience. Late-diagnosed autistic individuals typically get diagnosed after childhood, after already trying to get jobs, live independently, and/or go to college. Many have faced other mental health challenges, chronic illness, and autistic burnout in their adult years before coming to the conclusion that they were probably autistic and seeking out a diagnosis, otherwise they would have never considered it. Many have to relearn everything about themselves to properly adjust, rebuild their self-esteem, and rediscover their identity.

Here are some lessons I've learned so far post (re)diagnosis.

1. Rest is not a bad word.

I can say that one of the best things I ever did was stop making excuses when my mental, social, and physical batteries were low. It's okay not to be as productive one day as the next; what matters is that you have accomplished something in that day or week and are willing to try again. From experience, AuDHD individuals can get mischaracterized because keeping up the same level of energy and productivity throughout the week, month, or year is challenging due to external/internal factors. Give yourself time to rest, recharge, and enjoy your interests. Don't internalize ableism and think you "aren't doing anything" when you're resting or pursuing a hobby. Your body is in fact working overtime to process all your memories, heal, and prepare for the next journey.

2. I'm not doing myself any favors trying to look 'normal.'

If you've been on the neurodivergent side of social media, you've probably heard a lot about masking and unmasking. I was confused by this initially, as I always thought everyone had to adjust their behaviors, likes, and opinions to fit the crowd they were in, but that's not even the half of it. In addition to becoming an entirely different person in different crowds and situations, I realized that I often criticized myself for failing at things my body naturally has a hard time doing, forgoing my present needs to make room for other people's expectations for my life.

Essentially, masking means trying to constantly look like you’re normal, social, busy, and always productive but at the cost of your health and happiness. This can be debilitating, exhausting, and extremely hard to maintain. It can also cause autistic burnout, depression, and a slew of other mental and physical health challenges. The key to stopping masking is to unmask, as it's probably become a natural part of your life if you've been doing it unknowingly for a while. I know I was. Yet, unmasking can be just as unhealthy if you don't do it effectively.

3. Unmasking is a paradox worth exploring.

I am supposed to unmask for me, not for others. But I also still have to consider the rest of society and my own safety and well-being as I unmask. Unmasking does not mean compromising on your values and not learning to effectively regulate your emotions when you can. Unmasking is about learning to manage your autistic urges (for lack of a better word) in ways that support your present and future needs and goals. It's showcasing your personality in ways that represent you well and learning when your social battery is low. It's avoiding or accommodating situations where you feel stress before you get to the point of no return. It's being in tune with your body to know when and why you are angry and what to do about it. It's openly stimming in ways that are safe for you and others. It's being intentional about the friends you choose, the relationships you have, and your role in making those relationships work. Most of all, healthy unmasking means acknowledging that sometimes you just want to exist and that’s okay. You don't have to always be doing something or giving of yourself and your time to feel purposeful.

Conclusion

I am excited for what the future brings, and even though every day is challenging and exhausting, I'm learning more about myself now than ever before and growing in my understanding of neurodivergence and Torah. Stay tuned for more from me, including my podcast where I rant about everything from Jewish history and culture to neurodivergence! I can't wait to let y'all get a glimpse of my life and hopefully inspire conversations.