A Survivor's Prayer

In honor of Tisha b'Av, I am publishing a sample of an upcoming work I'm writing about healing from past pain and finding God, called "A Holy Contradiction: Midrash of a Misfit." This is a raw and highly emotional poetry collection that details previously untold aspects of my journey, sorted into poems that embody individual memories of my past and present, as well as some prayers and reflections, that I hope will bring hope and peace to those on a similar journey. I just finished the final draft yesterday evening and will be submitting it to my editor in the coming days! I can't wait to share this powerful book with you. I thought the excerpt I'm about to share was quite timely.

As a trauma survivor who is also autistic, prayer has been a critical part of my healing journey to ease anxiety and relearn how to practice joy. In reflecting today during Tisha b'Av on the concepts of brokenness, grief, and community, I have been connecting deeply with my own fractured past, as well as the larger connection to the loss of the Temple and all the events that have happened during our exile after that (including my family being disconnected from Judaism for generations due to forced conversions and enslavement in the Americas). It can be overwhelming to process, to say the least, but a powerful experience nonetheless. This is the first Tisha b'Av that I've been observing since starting my journey to become more observant and reconnect with my Jewish heritage on a deeper level. It has been life-changing.

So, the first sample I am sharing is a prayer I wrote to recite as a survivor, meant to serve as the conclusion of my book of reflections as a grounding in the present and an acknowledgment of past pain. I have temporarily dubbed it Tefilat HaNitzal (Prayer of the Rescued One), pending review by someone better versed in Hebrew. I hope it impacts you the way it impacted me. I will update it here once the final version is complete. This is the final draft.

I hope to recite this daily as I work through the challenges and embrace healing as it comes.

Blessed are you, Lord our God

Ruler of the Universe

Who has given me a new day,

and bestowed hope

in the heart of the weary.

Blessed are you, Adonai,

a force of life who has

given love to the unloved,

and has restored many broken souls.

A God who has let me see my own light.

Blessed are you, Spirit, God,

Who has grieved with me

and danced with me

in my time of need.

Blessed be the God of my ancestors.

The mikvah for my pain,

the One Who washes me clean.

Amen.