Elul Week 1 Recap

Around August 25th, we were launched into the month of Elul. On the Jewish calendar, that month represents the time right before the High Holy Days, when everything restarts, even the Torah cycle. We are now about one week into Elul.

Elul is a fascinating month for me. It’s my first one I’ve really taken time to unpack since officially starting my journey toward more Jewish observance and return (I’m patrilineal and consider myself a baal teshuva).

Elul reminds me that life is what you make of it, and repentance (teshuva) can take many forms. Teshuva applies to all kinds of connections and relationships. I’ve done teshuva in my Jewish journey, in my relationships (even cutting out toxic relationships), and within myself. The closer I’ve gotten to Judaism, the closer I’ve gotten to myself and my own identity. Elul reminds me that teshuva is life-long work, and the first round of teshuva I should be making is with my own soul. For silencing it, ignoring the parts of me Hashem uniquely designed for a reason in order to please or be accepted by others. I think that’s why the closer I’ve gotten to Judaism, the closer I’ve gotten to understanding my own queer identity, disabilities, neurodivergence, and gifts. Let's dive deeper into some of my reflections for the first week of Elul.

Defining the Act of Teshuva

I sit sometimes and wonder, what does forgiveness actually look like? What does it feel like? We've all watched movies, read books, and heard Bible stories about forgiveness. The most epic way to forgive, according to Hollywood, is to let the person who wronged you back in your life, and then you happen to become best friends. I've seen it happen so many times, and lots of people think that this is literally how teshuva works. But teshuva is not just forgiveness.

Upon doing some research, the most prominent words for forgiveness are selichah and nasa, which reference pardons, lifting or taking on a weight related to a fault, and to excuse (still learning, so don't quote me on this). If teshuva were simply forgiving other people, forgiveness wouldn't have its own word. The fact that there are different words for forgiveness alone is already indicative that they are not the same, and the gravity of forgiveness alone is complex. So, forgiveness means taking on the burden of someone else's fault or putting off the burden of your own, or the anger you hold. When you forgive, you are removing someone else's burden of sin or fault from them, and you take some of it on. You are choosing to address the issue, but allow the person to walk free from the guilt and shame of their action. This does not mean they get off "scot-free."

Teshuva means to return, or do a 180. It is a heavy, multi-layered word. Teshuva represents turning away from sin, returning to God, and making restitution for our wrongdoing towards others. Essentially, teshuva is a three-step process in which you rectify things with yourself, God, and the other person/people involved—a time of deep reflection, introspection, and recognition of wrongdoing. Teshuva requires a certain level of humility and honor, as you must first recognize the gravity of your actions to determine what needs to be done about them.

An important note I learned: if you go back to what you did teshuva for, it's as if you never did teshuva at all.

Forgive and Forget? Nope.

We’ve all heard the term “forgive and forget,” but that just isn’t me. God forgives and "forgets", but He still remembers when we did something wrong. Torah is full of instances when God "forgot" the Israelites' sins but still brought them up if they did any of it again, and there were still consequences for their actions. That doesn't stop Him from being a merciful God, nor does He make an effort to erase the past as a means of forgiving in the future. Same with people. You think Esau forgot Jacob robbed him of his birthright? Or did Esther forget how Haman was about to annihilate her entire nation?

Granted, I'm not God, and it's hard for me to offer second chances to people, much less appear as if I have forgotten or set aside their past behavior. When people have hurt me, I need a way to release the pain and yet still remember how to avoid those kinds of people in the future. I need to remember so I know the red flags. I need to remember so I can do better next time. But that’s a lot of weight on every decision. I realize after reflecting this week, forgiveness and teshuva don't mean I forget how I've been wronged; it doesn't mean I don't use those experiences to guide my actions in the future. If I no longer trust someone based on their behavior, that's okay. But I shouldn't use trauma as a means to justify wronging that person or others. I shouldn't use their wrongdoing as an excuse to mistreat them. I can't hold a grudge based on their actions, where I bring it up or constantly ruminate on it without end. I can't try to outdo them with kindness in response to their faults. That's the meaning of teshuva and reconciliation.

During Yom Kippur, we will read the story of Jonah. I think Jonah is a perfect example of a person who does not do complete teshuva and does not forgive. He spends his days ruminating on the downfall of a nation (Ninevah) that has wronged his nation (not even him personally, because he'd never step foot there). He wants God to destroy them and refuses to go teach the Ninavites how to do teshuva. He disobeys God's direct order (as a prophet, this is what you signed up for!!!) and thinks he can run away from God. He gets caught in a storm, eaten by a whale/fish, and spends three days and nights doing teshuva inside the thing! But he gets out, speed runs the trip to Ninevah, they repent, and he sits there moaning about how they shouldn't have been forgiven. Jonah ran away from God, and yet is using someone else's sin as a means to justify his own grudge against a people he's probably had really limited interaction with. He'd rather condemn an entire nation to destruction than forgive them, even though he did something far worse. Was it really teshuva then? Jonah got into the mess because he used Ninevah's sins as a means for his own (running away from God), and then he went right back to doing that again!

Self-Reconciliation is First

Okay, so now I learned that true teshuva doesn't leverage other people's mistakes as excuses or continue the behavior after repenting, and forgiveness is more about releasing someone's burden and taking on the responsibility of pardoning them, even if you never forget what happened. But, beyond forgiving other people, what does it look like to forgive myself for trusting the wrong people over myself? What does it look like to forgive myself so I can forge better relationships in the future? So I can learn to trust and lead with love?

It's easy to do what Jonah did and hold on to the anger. Why didn't God handle them? Why are they still successful? They hurt me, they should pay! But that's not forgiveness, and that's not teshuva. That only leads to us making the same mistakes and not seeing how we have become just like the people we disliked.

Interesting. It seems both forgiving other people and forgiving myself require the same skill - reflection. When we reflect on harm and how we have harmed others, we can see clearly how our actions have impacted people and sort out our feelings of how other people's actions have impacted us. We can start within ourselves, telling ourselves, "I forgive you for trusting these people," or "It wasn't your fault that you were harmed, you can let it go." Want to go even deeper? Pick a part of your past self that may have been hurt by a situation and speak to them. For example, I've told my younger self that it's not her fault she felt unworthy of love as a kid because of her neurodivergence. Her parents and friends didn't have the tools to help her feel seen. She can release that burden. Self-reconciliation is something I've been working hard on this past week of Elul. It is quite therapeutic.

Conclusion

In the end, it seems forgiveness doesn’t mean I forget the past or brush past the harm other people have caused. It means I choose to say, I won’t allow their wrongdoing to make me forget that my life is mine to live.

During the month of Elul, I’ve been reflecting on the idea of forgiveness and what it means in practice. I guess, in the end, forgiveness looks different for everyone, and truthfully, that’s how it should be. But reflection is a huge part of it. Where did I go wrong? Where did I fall short? Where do I need to forgive others? And, most of all, how do I forgive myself so I can forge a new path moving forward? It may not always end in reconciliation or renewed relationships, but that's okay. It all goes back to teshuva and forgiveness.